Ok, I promised it & here it is. Just don’t go shooting me with no virtual guns if it ain’t as entertaining as you thought it might be (perhaps you just had to be there like I was!). So here goes:
Remember all those horror movies which say….
…. this is my own private story.
Flashback Saturday 6th May. It’s a peaceful day, I’m all alone at home & just lounging around doing nothing much. The stage is set.
{{{{{{{{{{{TRING TRING}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
“Hello?”
“Is that **?” (woman on the other end asks for my mother)
“No she’s not at home, may I know who’s calling?’
“Ah! (loudly) is that Melody then?”
“Yes (I’m still trying to figure out who this woman is), may I know who’s calling?”
“I’m ** (tells me her name) Then a split second later says: you don’t know me”
Before I can say anything, she continues
“I’m a friend of **” (another name) but you don’t know her either”
I’m thinking Geez woman what the heck do you want with me????
I say ” Can I help you with something?”
She goes “HAHAHAHAHA” (I’m more put off that anything now, hate dealing with weird people). “I think I can help you”.
???
“You see I have a boy for you”
I’m totally speechless by this point. Last thing I expected from weirdo aunty is to start matchmaking on the phone. Don’t know if she interpreted my silence as a Go Ahead, but from this point she was almost unstopable & I almost couldn’t get a word in edgewise.
“You see I’m not a matchmaker - though I have done this before - and that worked out pretty well - I’m actually really good - I’m just doing this to help people - And ** mentioned to me that you were not married and this boy is really good - I wonder who told ** you were not married - perhaps your mother approached her?” (I wanted to say my mother never has & never will go to matchmakers, but as I said, couldn’t get a word in)
Madam continued:
“But I don’t need to talk to your mother - we can talk as friends - today anything goes - The boy’s a ** (tells me his profession) and he stays in ** (names area of place in Bbay) - he has a pretty big house too (perhaps I’m supposed to oooh ahhh at this point?) - oh by the way, what are you supposed to be? - not that it matters nowadays - but what are you supposed to be?”
Madam actually stops now.
I’m actually unsure of what to say (kudos to m’am; not many ppl have managed that feat!)
I repeat: “What am I supposed to be???” - my eyebrows are sky-high.
“Yes, not that it matters. The boy’s a ** (tells me his cast - I understand now what she was asking for) - what are you supposed to be? (I’m dying to say something like - I’m supposed to be Goan but I’m a kickass Mangalorean with some East-Indian Anglo blood, but I can’t because she’s still not letting me speak)
Not waiting for an answer to her question, she fires another one at me “And what level of education have you completed?”
I must have been lulled by her persistent voice, because I answer almost obediently “I’m an M.Com”
“ooooohh, ooookkkk (all said very very sorrowfully), ookkk this is not a problem (though by her tone implying this is a BIG GIGANTIC problem).”
“This is not a problem?” I repeat … I’m almost laughing now 
“No no, he’s a ** (repeats profession of boy), so naturally he wants a highly educated girl, you know not some SSC type”
Now I want to totally whack weirdass aunty.
“An M.Com,” (I say, in a most dignified manner) “is a Masters degree in Commerce. You can do one only after a Bachelor’s degree. In any case (now I’m just plain showing off, my pride’s taking a beating after all) I’m doing a second Masters and probably a PhD after that” (at this point, let me mention, chances of my PhD are slim to nothing)
“A PhD?” she asks.
“Yes” I say & want to press her under my thumb.
“Oh in that case you’ll want to stay in Bombay beyond May”
HUH????
Aloud: “Sorry?”
“He’s leaving for Australia on the ** of May”
The crazy woman apparently wants me to marry boy I have never met, in less than a month, and then go off to Australia with him!!! Help me Lord.
“I’m not looking at going out of Bombay” I say trying to shut her up once for all. Unfortunately, again I fail.
“What??!”
She goes a tad psycho on me now… Her voice gets a little tough…
“Listen, I don’t know you, but you should think this through, the boy’s a very good boy, he’s…”
I actually cut the woman off now…. (who does she think she’s getting tough with ??!!)
“I am absolutely not interested in leaving Bombay”.
“Ok fine. Then let’s call the whole thing off right now” (what whole thing - and what was on to be called off???)
“Ok!” I say - anything to get her off the phone!
She hangs up phone.
And then after a few seconds I burst out laughing till my sides hurt.
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