Dealing with VIP Entourage Cars in Mumbai

Further to my post on Dealing with Traffic Cops in Mumbai, I present to you (ta-da!) a new installment in our “Dealing With” section - Dealing with VIP Entourage Cars in Mumbai.

(01) Identify these correctly:

* Very simple - VIPs in Mumbai (for some reason unknown to me) are always followed by an entourage of Ambassador Cars (yes, tres chic indeed). Almost no one else even remembers what Ambassador Cars look like, but these people, they have not one, not two, but even upto seven Ambassador cars in their entourage.

* And they’re all white.

* And if you still think you’ll miss them (what are you blind??), then you’ll see the siren on top of them, always flashing.

(02) Know your facts:

* These people are MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU.

* They DO NOT NEED TO FOLLOW ROAD SIGNALS (what’re those?!)

* If you get in their way, while innocently driving home alongside them, know that THEY WILL push you out of their way by brandishing their MACHINE GUNS out of the rear windows.

(03) What you should do:

* Naturally, accept things without questioning. Move aside. Let them pass - they’re VIPS. You’re nothing. You’re no one (remember this!). They don’t even need your vote, they have slum banks for that.

(04) What you should never do:

* Don’t even think of driving behind them - some weird people (I don’t know WHERE they get these ideas from!) decide to drive fast behind them - after all, if they’re breaking all the traffic signals & all the cops are doing is “Salaam Saheb”-ing them - why should you get a break. No-sir-ee-bob. You should wait patiently on side.

(05) What you really should never do:

* Is get in the middle of the seven entourage cars. Even if you’re insane enough to follow all of them & break 8 signals along with them (yipee!), how dare you assume to get in the middle of their line up?!

(06) What you really reallyshould never do:

* Also “Salaam Saheb” the traffic cops as you’re passing (no sense having some fun, eh?!)

(07) Assuming of course, you do do all those things. Know that, they will serve dangerously into your car. Almost drive you off the road or cause you to have a bad road accident. Know that they WILL HIT your car, with aforementioned machine guns as they’re alongside you.

(08) In this case, when you’re all next stuck in traffic (before they’ve managed to clear out the road ahead of them) whis is what you really really reallyshould never do:

* Do not get out of your car & go to yell at them.

* Know that if you do this THEY WILL push (twice before mentioned) machine guns into your face.

* Do not continue to yell at them while machine guns are shoved closer into your face. Though if you did do this, know that you will come out knowing there’s nothing you cannot do.

* Do not expect them to understand, care or give a @&#* for anything you’re saying.

(09) Sample conversation you might have had if you were insane enough to do all of the above:

Nahi, yeh VIP ke gadi hai

VIP?? Aur, mein kya hoon??

(Preferably leave before they answer that)

(10) Seriously (are you even listening to me?!) if you’ve done all that, DO NOT, really really really really do not walk back to your car, realise there’s still one car who’s been jammed between your car & the divider & cannot move - do not walk to that car, knock on the window & decide to talk to them too

(11) OR maybe you should

* Because maybe, just hopefully, maybe you’ll discover THE ONE NICE GUY - who has the sense to say nod & say

“Sorry Madam”

(if you’ve explained to them they have to no right to serve dangerously into your car forcing you off the road or perhaps just about missing causing you grave danger to your car/person)

* Maybe even while this ONE decent person is nodding & being decent, his driver will foulmouthedly tell you to @*&# off (albeit in Hindi of course).

* If this happens, tell him to SHUT UP. Tell him, there’s at least ONE decent person among all of them & he better shut up & try and be like him.

* Thank decent person for being decent.

* Hope that the four or five less-than-teenaged boys huddled up together in the back seat learn a lesson.

(12) Come back to your car. Realise that you’re legs are shaking crazily. Seriously, was that a machine gun in your face?? Take picture of yourself to prove that you’ve come out on top of all of this.

This also helps if you’re a narcissist.

(13) Call up cool budding activist friend & have one hour long conversation with her about “The Power of One”.

Do not speak to close friend about the same thing or he might just tell you the very niggling doubt you’ve had all along:

You’re completely insane.

Well.

Tags: Entourage, Mumbai, VIP-Cars