Disclaimer: I am not a complete snob,
but
Rest of the Post: I ABSOLUTELY cannot stand it when people do not have table etiquette.
Reason behind the Post: A few nights ago I went out for dinner with a few people - and OMG! - the complete lack of table etiquette on almost all of the parts left me cringing inside my head.
Rest of the Rest of the Post: To start with, most did not put their napkins on their laps as soon as we sat down to eat. Seriously people, this is basic! Then the cardinal rule of putting elbows on the table were royally broken. And to add to it all, while some left food in their plates in most horrifying manners, strewn all over the plate (seriously, the heartache!) and almost everyone left their silverware in wrong positions - some even carelessly throwing them in the plate like they were part of a cleaning crew.
arrgh.
So: I’ve decided to write a list of things that I absolutely think necessary to do / not to do at the table.
I start off by quoting Mary C. Egan’s poem ‘Jacob, Jacob’:
Jacob, Jacob, full of plans,
Come inside and wash your hands.
Jacob, Jacob, shy and sweet,
Please sit down; it’s time to eat.Jacob, Jacob, good old chap,
Place your napkin in your lap.
Jacob, Jacob, do not eat,
‘Till your hostess takes her seat.Jacob, Jacob, strong and able,
Keep your elbows off the table.
Jacob, Jacob, full of grace,
Kindly do not stuff your face.Jacob, Jacob, fast and deft,
Pass the food from right to left.
Jacob, Jacob, sitting still,
Let’s try not to have a spill.Jacob, Jacob, looking great,
Don’t forget to clear your plate.
Jacob, Jacob, quite bemused,
Yes, my dear, you are excused.
From here we learn basic cardinal rules:
(01) Wash your hands before meals. Especially true if you’ve just come from outside the house and/or you’ve had contact with pets.
(02) Place the napkin on your lap when you sit down. It’s well to note that at formal gatherings one should wait for the host/hostess to place the napkin on his/her lap before doing the same.
(03) Do not eat until EVERYONE else at the table has been served food. Seriously!!! So many times people just go ahead when their food arrives as if they cannot wait a few more seconds until everyone is served! It’s also well to note that if you are in a close group of friends & someone’s food arrives well in advance of others, you can tell them to go ahead, but you shouldn’t start your own food unless they tell you it’s fine for you to start / they’re all served. If in a formal situation, even if your food arrives in advance, wait until everyone is served despite what they may say.
(04) Elbows off the table. Geez, really.
(05) Don’t stuff your face. It’s generally a mark of etiquette if you eat a little BEFORE you go out for dinner / a party if you’re the hungry type because then you won’t eat as though your life depended on it.
(06) Pass from right to left & of course, don’t spill. If you do spill, try to discreetly clear if off. Don’t sweat it otherwise, mistakes do happen. Always say “thank you” when served something, to host friends and even to waiters, they are people too. Do NOT reach over someone’s plate for something, ask someone to pass the item to you.
(07) Clear your plate. Which means see how much you’re putting in your plate to start with. Seriously! Once you’re past childhood you have no excuse for wasting food. You should have an idea of your capacity - and if not, take smaller helpings more often than one larger helping and waste.
(08) If you must leave the table, ask to be excused.
This concludes the points from the poem above, some more:
(09) If you must have your phone on, keep it on silent during meals. This is good etiquette for ANY meeting whatsoever. If you must take the call, talk as SILENTLY as possible while at the table - or ask to be excused and take the call outside the room / restaurant and Apologize when you return. DO NOT talk on the cell phone at a table at the volume you’d normally talk or louder. Shudder!
(10) Once you have used a piece of silverware, never place it back on the table. Do not leave a used spoon in a cup either. Rather, place it on the saucer.
(11) Never tilt back your chair while at the table. Or for that matter, at any time, in any location. Tilting chairs and rocking your legs are signs of bad etiquette.
(12) One ‘EATS’ soup and not ‘drinks’ it. Please do not say drink wrt soup. And eat like a lady, even if you’re a man. NO slurping.
(13) Do not ask to take some of your uneaten food away from the meal after it ends, especially when having a formal dinner. If you’re with close friends / family though you may do this. Even then, have a look at the quantity of food left behind before you ask for doggy bags.
(14) Bread plates are to the left of the main plate, beverage glasses are to the right. Seriously people, HOW HARD is it to remember this???
(15) Leave your cutlery in the correct position when you’re finished eating. Generally accepted position is the “4 o’clock position and the tines of the fork down” to signal to the server you are done or both fork & knife or fork & spoon closely joined together, edges slightly off the plate, “closing” the plate.
(16) At the end of the meal, leave your napkin slightly scrunched up (to signify it’s been used) to the left of the plate.
Points above based on this & this, basic training I’ve received as a child (which every child should receive) and my observations during meals I have eaten with people with abysmal table manners. These are basic manners for conti meals. If eating meals with people of different cultures, it’s a sign of respect if you learn their etiquette & follow it during the meal.
Tags: Etiquette, Manners, Table-Etiquette, Table-Manners
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July 18th, 2007 at 11:14 pm
Firstly, belated bday wishes. Nice gyan here. I dont agree with 05. We are Indians. We eat well…not salads. I have not come across people who say “how do you eat so much?” but sure have come across “oh you eat like a chicken”. Hey do you also consider eating with bare hands ..lack of etiquette? As for the last line, maybe you should respect that not everyone is as mannered. Cultures you would agree are varied, embrace them not condemn. They add color to this world more so India. Did you also know burping in some parts is considered a sign of satisfaction. The louder the better
….etiqutte my foot oooops burp. 
July 19th, 2007 at 12:00 am
And I don’t think it’s “Indian” to stuff one’s face, I know plenty of Indians with excellent manners.
July 19th, 2007 at 12:36 am
Someone is getting angry now
… now now i am sure that u get annoyed .. conti meals or not. I never said Indians stuff themselves. i meant we eat well. Whats so etiquette-less about having a good appetite? (which u call stuffing). Eat to your hearts content…but now Eat to your (oops Mel’s) etiquette’s content…lol
You forgot prayer before meals(now go confess), the great finger bowl etiquette….list goes on
kidding.. cheers
July 19th, 2007 at 2:03 am
Belated happy birthday Mel!
Nice post. Hope a lot of ppl read it!
July 19th, 2007 at 2:25 am
you can ‘have soup’ too.
Also, its customary to fold the napkin properly and place it to the left at the end - I always am horrified at how ppl leave their napkins in a messy (and dirty) jumble on the table.
And the biggest problem I have with people from the sub continent (including a LOT of Bangladeshis and Bengalis) - do not talk while eating…noones interested in seeing the goo inside your mouth - finish whats in your damn mouth and then speak.
July 19th, 2007 at 3:38 am
I actually agree which the spirit of this post; sloppy dinner companions can spoil the experience indeed. However, I would still not stick by all these rules (well, not unless I was with the Queen in Buckingham Palace). I guess the amount of formality (switching of cellphones!) depends on the kind of place you are dining at. For example if you are in noisy, cafe/bistro kind of places where following these rules will make you stand out rather than meld in. Stiff, oh-so-propah dining companions can be as boring as the sloppy ones. Bottom-line use your judgement and make sure you aren’t learning dining etiquette from the Flintstones. BTW, anyone remember the formal dining scene in Pretty Woman?
July 19th, 2007 at 7:43 am
Pls excuse the many typos…I am expecting a grammer lesson now
July 19th, 2007 at 7:56 am
Most points I know off and agree to, but…
(05) Always eat well ‘cos you never known when and where your next meal will come from. Special emphasis on the “when”. Doesn’t necessary apply to everybody, but does to me.
(12) No slurping?!? You’re taking all the fun out of the soup!
July 19th, 2007 at 10:52 am
Haha… I never knew *most* of the Etiquettes…
(09) I hate when a phone screams ‘Dhoom Machale’ suddenly. I keep my phone on silent mode, 90% of the time. Only when I’m away from my phone, I have it in normal mode.
(13) I don’t ask more than what I might want to eat. Even if I’m full, I try to eat them without wasting them.
Good Article there.
July 19th, 2007 at 11:14 am
With so many soup lovers around, I am surprised you’ve not told them the right way to empty their bowl.
Another easy tip: The cutlery is usually arranged outside in, in the order its meant to be used.
cheers,
July 19th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Two more tips:
1. Tip your soup bowl ahead in case you want to finish your soup!!
2. Cutlery is usually arranged outside-in in the order its meant to be used.
July 19th, 2007 at 11:39 am
yes miss…
July 19th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
You could write a book. “Ettiquette for the Mumbaikar”
July 19th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Lol. I love it when you get all worked up about such things !! It reminds me of some of these snobby uptown women …as portrayed in some of the british movies.
July 19th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
I see the “don’t eat with hands” missing there somewhere, and the don’t talk while you eat thing.
Which is by far the most disgusting, not only can’t you make out the words, you hate the sight of the food that went into the mouth.
Did you actually learn this left to right and right to left business? And does it hold irrespective of what hand you use to write with?
Saying thank you is a good idea.. I’m just wondering what happens if you keep getting dishes, you’ll end up as a pretty parrot
. I really think while people should not be disgusting at the table (aka eating with hands, slurping, food spilling from the mouth etc) as long as you are neat, it’s all good.
July 19th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
Never mind world hunger then, as long as people know that bread plates go to the left and beverage glasses to the right. Almost sounds a bit the Hokey Pokey - put your left hand in, put your right leg in.
Remembering all those rules might lead to some of us forgetting to TASTE the meal.
Geez, really people!
July 19th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Good post!! I wish everyone reads it.
WTH is “4 o’clock position”??? I tried imagining it didnt make sense. Maybe u wanted to say the 4:40 position. That’s how I believe the cutlery should be left when u r done - tines down, blade pointing in, crossing just near the neck of the fork, more like an X.
July 19th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
aha!! wonderful post… how i’d show this to “oh! so many ppl” out there… literally drive me up teh wall..
however, regarding the closing plate one, i believe you may also, cross the knife/spoon and the fork to signal teh end of your meal!!
July 19th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
Hi Mel@ You were lucky to learn table manners as a child. As for me we ate with our hands. I did not know how to use the fork and spoon till I started working. Still find it difficult eating rice with the fork and knife, as they do not give us spoons in Europe for eating rice. Though I love crabs, eating them in restaurants is a problem; I could never learn how to use the hammer wooried that the crabs would reach all corners of the room.
We did not have a dining table : ate squatting on the floor and later on the sofa-cum-bed when we could afford to buy one. To a question during a test my brother replied, “We eat in the kitchen”. The teacher marked it wrong. But he was telling the truth, as we did have a dining room.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:46 am
Lancy you are guilty, unbelievable were you the one who went out with Melody two nights ago. You have like a whole history letting Melody know you are sorry. lol
July 20th, 2007 at 4:11 am
I disagree with a few of the rules. Some are archaic and obsolete today, others are just daft.
1 - wash hands before eating… maybe. Not washing can build immunity and you’d have far fewer sick people around, but I’d leave it to the eater’s discretion. Some people are easily disgusted.
4 - elbows off… archaic. This rule originates from English castles. All guests seated themselves on one side of the table while servers served from the other side. If everyone were to place their elbows on the table, that had the nasty side effect of toppling the table and all its contents onto the line of guests. Now that we sit on both sides of the table, this rule is no longer pertinent.
6 - pass from right to left… archaic. This rule again derives from medieval times when people were seated from right to left in order of superiority. The highest ranked persons had the right to eat first while the least got the scraps. You really do NOT want to propagate this practice.
7 - clear your plate… not if the food is terrible. If your host has gone to the trouble of giving you crap to eat, you owe it to them to leave enough for them to throw out.
14 - bread plates and glasses… it does not matter where they go. This, and the rule of spoon/knife in your right hand, fork in your left, is biased in favour of right handed people, with the assumption that left handed persons were ‘mistakes’.
No, I’m not going to quote references.
July 20th, 2007 at 6:32 am
I have to agree with bluesmoon. Following ancient practices without knowing the reason is just impractical. As far as elbows on the table I have seen senior political officials such as Tony Blair, George Bush, Hillary clintion place their elbows on the table. I guess not Placing elbows on the table makes a person look like a robot and makes them look weird on TV.
Biggest NO NO’s on the list should be chewing with mouth open, talking while mouth is stuffed with food.
As far has phones forget dinner people should learn to turn off their cell phones in movie theaters and why do they chat on their cell phones when the movie is playing.
July 20th, 2007 at 9:42 am
Go Bluesmoon and Mario. Archaic is the keyword. i decided to return to this post coz of my lunch experience @ an elite restaurant with 3 colleages one of who was a “sfot-spoken” chinese american guest we had taken out. Now now when a restaurant like this is splashed with groups of IT prof’s enjoying lunch i found it difficult to overhear those Chinese folktales over lunch..so put my elbows on the table partly coz i couldnt hear and thanks to the not-so-ergonomic design while this post flashed through my mind. And i said to myself you said nothing about sitting on the table right or asking my guest to yell.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
Awesome post! I must admit I have been guilty of at least a couple of them.
In all the do’s and don’ts, you didn’t mention the action eating. Is that do or a don’t?
“Bread plates are to the left”
You are being a dextrist (just coined it). I am a leftie when it comes to food. I demand that I be allowed to keep the bread plate to the right!
July 20th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
burp! this talk about food and restaurants is upsetting me a lot, when all I have to think about is how long do I have to eyewash - pretending to work - while dreaming about lunch
July 20th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
I have always been guilty of not knowing table manners, but I sure dont make a mess out there [
]
Now, with this post, am sure I ll b better off the next time!
July 20th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Great post! This is something that totally peeves me too, ppl with bad bad bad table manners. Only the other day I had a guy, new to me chewing gum like there was no tomorrow in my face at the dinner table. Am I weird to think that was rude?
July 20th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
am hungry now!!
July 20th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Glad the majority of you found it a good article
I aim to please!
To the rest: Well, what can I say? I am not the one who coined up these things. And I do not agree with bluesmoon/Mario/lastsign that some of them are “archaic and obsolete” Like: “Don’t wash hands to build up immunity”, Ridiculous! - there are better (and more hygienic) ways to build one’s immunity! “bread plates and glasses… it does not matter where they go” - very wrong, it does matter so that you don’t mix things up when they’re more than one at a table.
But hey, it’s a free world & if you guys choose not to have any table manners, go ahead!
July 21st, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Great post.
( I must not lie ) Some, I knew. The rest, were new
July 22nd, 2007 at 3:25 pm
nice to hear this post about manners — however, when in a circle of friends even if it is continental or a 7 course meal for heavens sake, loosen up a little bit and take a walk on the wild side
its hilarious to fluster people who are watching your manners … and believe me, i have had some really good meals at “formal” restaurants (jacket required).
that said, in a more corporate environment, you really dont want to come off looking like a sore thumb especially since there are those who judge ya (doesn’t matter if you don’t really care tho)
July 22nd, 2007 at 10:35 pm
If Tony Blair and Hillary Clinton place elbows on their table. I am all for being called illmannered
July 22nd, 2007 at 11:06 pm
It seems you have done a lot of R&D in the area. A good detailed report.
Keep Posting
July 28th, 2007 at 6:28 am
Well, I’m so glad I live in Australia-land, where people are casual and, while still remaining polite and well-mannered, don’t worry about formal etiquette.
Here I can eat pizza and Indian food with my hands, not worry about how to place the fork and knife, ask for a fork at the Chinese place if the noodles are slippery, etc. I eat very slowly, so at work lunches, rather than hold people up at the end, I apologise and start when my food arrives. Best of all, I can be sloppy and still be considered lady-like.
To each his own, I say! I’m glad I don’t live in an etiquette-conscious world or move in such circles.
August 1st, 2007 at 5:21 pm
I’ts nice with a bit etiquette, even though I’m a bit more excusing about it than you are, but it’s also quite interesting to see that the etiquette is the same over there as here in Sweden