Breaking News!! In yet another twist to the whole story, Rahul Mahajan now appears to have applied for Sainthood! Below is the actual copy of a copy of the letter sent to the Pope:
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Dear Pope Benedict XVI,
Ref.: Application to become ‘Patron Saint of Politician’s Sons’
I know you have a reputation of being somewhat a “strict” pope (especially when compared to the last one) but I do believe you’re an intelligent man, which is why I will state my claim to Sainthood very simply (in a manner even you will not be able to refute) as follows:
(01)I am a Politician’s Son. Ok, granted daddy dear has died. But that doesn’t mean I’ll not have uncles (God bless dear Munde uncle) and secys (ok, he’s dead too now, but I’ll get a new one) and tons of others still rallying around me. I don’t know how familiar you are with Indian politics, but remember for us here it’s: Once a politician’s son, always a politician’s son.
(02)Our Family History is impeccable. Yes fine… I know some people may harp on about the fact that Pravin uncle shot my father in cold blood, but hey – which family doesn’t have these ‘trivial’ family problems?
(03)I am a Holy boy. Why, didn’t you see or read the press coverage about me praying all over town when daddy was in hospital? I even visited your Mount Mary’s Basilica in Bandra and offered ‘prayers’ there. Yes sure, there were tons of press following my every move (it’s easy to court these guys) and who remembers the fact that daddy’s party is against the Catholics? Not me! I still went to the church, like a good holy politician’s son should.
(04)I have a respectable career. Which is what you ask? It’s not the flight training that I flunked out of in America after daddy spent much of the nation’s hard earned money on it. It’s not the software company I started with my friends that also failed. It’s not even the production company I started – it’s the fact that I’m a politician’s son.
Pope, get one thing straight; that is a career in itself. Now that daddy has died, it’s upto me to bear his mantle. Who cares about finding election worthy candidates? Here we just pull out family members and put them into the dead family member’s seat. It’s an age old policy – heck, give the Congress credit where credit is due, they’ve got a patent on this. This is who I am, what I was born into. It’s as if here in India we have a “Political Royalty”. And I’m a political prince. But we’ve already established that, so I’ll move on.
(05)I have clean habits. I don’t drink alcohol (never even held anyone else’s drink in my hand) or smoke or do drugs (perish the thought!). What’s that? You heard some news about me & my dead dad’s now dead secy doing drugs & nearly dying of an overdose together?
Hasn’t being in public life taught you anything?? You should never believe what you read in the press or hear in the news immediately after the event. You should wait until our uncles & other corrupt ‘well-wishers’ have the time to buy off the right people (yes, it does take a few hours) & then only believe what they want you to.
The official version is that there was no drugs in my blood (yippee for corrupt doctors in Delhi) & there was just a “low” alcohol content (give me some more time though, will have that wiped clean too).
(06)I surround myself with good holy friends. What’s this? You don’t believe Sahil Zaroo is holy? How could you not? He has stated openly to the press “I am innocent… forget drugs, I have never had alcohol in my life”. What more do you want?! Come on! Let’s just believe him!
Why look at the facts that drug dealers all over Mumbai and Delhi all say they knew him very well (why should we believe them, they’re drug dealers!) or that his fellow college goers say that he and his friends used to lock themselves in the toilets and do drugs, disrupt college functions etc (don’t believe these either, they’re either Catholics dogs from Xaviers or they’re jealous of his fancy cars, his fancy cellphone & his “striking resemblance to Fardeen Khan” and I don’t mean FK’s sniffing habits).
I say he’s just the type of friend a good politician’s son should have. One who’s available to do my work for me (run simple Rs. 15000/- errands) and one whose daddy can also get him out of trouble (hey, my family can’t do everything for everyone).
(07)Only the best will do for me. I have been brought up with all the ‘right’ values – that if you’ve got to do something, you might as well do it as best as you can. This is why even when I’m snorting cocaine, I only use a 500 rupee note. Only the best will do for me. What happened to the 1000 rupees notes? Come on Pope, I’m no waster.
(08)I have a ‘power’ PR team: Forget all the guys in advertising! The real creative geniuses are in politics. They can make ‘conspiracy’ theories out of clear cut and dry cases. Why isn’t it wonderful – they find the cocaine, they have the dead secy’s body, they have statements of my 3 ‘friends’ and of numerous servants. But in come my PR guys & BOOM! Suddenly, it’s ‘clear’ that I wasn’t even doing drugs, nor was the dead secy – someone was just trying to murder us.
I’d like to state at this juncture, I’m not a Manu Sharma who has murdered in cold blood in front of witnesses or an Abhishek Kasliwal who with his friends has gang raped several women several times. Even if I was to be convicted, the worse thing I could be guilty of is of abusing my own body.
But as we’ve already established due to my ‘power’ PR team, that’s never going to happen. You think you have power?! Even if I did a Manu Sharma or a Kasliwal, I still would be innocent. Now, that’s power!
(09)Here’s my Final Virtue! I come from the land called Hindustan! Better still, from Hindustan’s Political Son’s haven, the capital Delhi! Here we do what we want, when we want & no one dare say anything against us. Here we make parachutes (emphasis on the latter half of the word) of all the “common” people. Most of them are illiterate anyway, just willing to believe anything they are drilled into.
The literate ones who can think for themselves and can understand the bull*^$# we’re doling out, are too scared (and with good reason!) to do anything.
And the few literate ones who actually have some gumption to stand up and try fight - HA, I say! HA! What can those poor #$&^^ do? They’re the most to be pitied. After all, the doctors, the newspapers, the TV channels, they’re all in our pockets. What facts do they have about anything? What in Mother Hindustan’s name can they do? Well?
So to conclude, as the above ‘facts’ very clearly show – I am the ideal candidate for the ‘Patron Saint of Politician’s Sons’ title. True, there are numerous other Politician’s sons in India who have gotten away with hit and runs, rapes & murders, but they haven’t had so much publicity (see, daddy’s death has worked for my good!)
Incidentally Pope, if I haven’t made myself clear, I’d like to have my sainthood with immediate effect. After all, I might just pop off on a cocaine overdose like the night before my dad’s ashes were going to be dropped into a much televised part of a river.
Sorry did I say that? I change that to - I’d like to have my sainthood with immediate effect just in case I almost die “due to unknown reasons” that supposed medical professionals are still baffled about.
Yours etc etc,
Rahul Mahajan (what’s the first step? I become Blessed Rahul Mahajan? Hmmm)
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June 6th, 2006 at 4:45 pm
Too good. LOL!!!
Btw, did you read a conspiracy theory about what Rahul & Moitra were doing in the bathroom and his sexual preferences? Source: The Economic times… yes, you heard right.
June 6th, 2006 at 4:48 pm
LOL!
I think right now the guy himself could do with a patron saint…what with the new found naked story!!
BTW nice pic!
June 6th, 2006 at 7:14 pm
And they have also proven a miracle. According to docs at IAH, his urine is sparkling clean.
June 6th, 2006 at 10:58 pm
Good one mate. Can someone with friends in media forward this link??? I HOPE Rahul’s in deep deep $hit!
lolll
June 7th, 2006 at 2:35 am
Wow Atta girl !!! How dare you ? might is right . always .
June 7th, 2006 at 7:25 am
Awesome one buddy. The NETA is dead. Long live his son!
June 7th, 2006 at 10:05 am
“Below is the actual copy of a copy of the letter sent to the Pope” Are you being sarcastic?.
June 7th, 2006 at 10:30 am
ROFL….funny stuff Melody…
just loved this post..
but then these ppl will remain the same for generations to come…
And the money being used to party every nite,buy alcohol n do drugs…is somewhere or the
n these Bl**** F#$%^&s are happy ruining our Country
other MY money too…
I pay sooo much of tax
June 7th, 2006 at 12:59 pm
@ Alex: Wonder what spin his PR guys will do with that?? How’s this: “They were so dirty & they wanted to have bath and being very eco-friendly they didn’t want to waste water & hence had a bath together. We should applaude them & immitate them - in fact we should all start taking baths together…”
Merci on the nice pic - me thinks so too. He does look the innocent angel doesn’t he. I especially loved the shot of him holding his grieving mother when his father’s pyre was burning, a picture of innocence. I remember one politician saying then “Bahoot accha ladka hai”. OKKKK
@ Gopal M S: Yes. I had a brilliant idea the other day - Rahul Mahajan should be hailed as the new ENVIRON CHAMP - he’s the one who’s going to clean up our entire environ…. don’t get it? Feed him with all the worse possible things, alcohol & drugs (cocaine or heroin, or any combo) & he will take it all in & his constitution will then tranform all of it into clean clear sparkling water. Maybe we should remain his “The Evian Kid”… I can see the endorsements coming in already!
No more water problems! Supply him with enough of drugs & we’ll have clean water for the nation.
June 7th, 2006 at 1:04 pm
Then again maybe they’ll print it with a “We do not necessarily subscribe to the views of everything voiced out here”. And then maybe Rahul Mahajan / Sahil Zaroo / any of the others I have so mercifully described will find me out & grill me on an open air BBQ all the while enjoying their “duets” of champagne & cocaine…
@ Don Maths: Merci. I don’t know how I dare either. It’s sad that might is more often than not right in our corrupt country. Hopefully things will get better though?
@ Ahmed:
Nearly used the same line myself…. I quite like the term I coined up - “Political Royalty” Seems quite apt doesn’t it?
@ Rahul: Yes. It’s what’s called Political Satire. Could do one everyday on our great Indian circus we call the government & the election process & the candidates etc etc etc but somehow my love for this country prevents me from doing so - that’s the actual tragedy - there is SO MUCH POTENTIAL in our country. So much our leaders could do for us & with us to make our mark in the world - see what China was, see what Singapore is - there is just waaay too little love for our country in most (if not all) of our country leaders.
So I take up the role of one of those wishful thinkers who like to ignore the problem because there’s not much you can do about it and hope it goes away.. Then again, it never does. And sometimes, like this time, it just bugs you to the bone.
@ Mehak: Know exactly what you’re saying. It’s just EVIL the way people in this country are dying of starvation & homelessness while people in power are living it up – partying, drugs, booze, women, men, whatever – and all this on the average joe’s tax money.
I hope all the competition between the multitudes of TV channels forces the truth out. Then again, once the truth is out, hopefully something will be done about it.
June 7th, 2006 at 1:30 pm
“once the truth is out, hopefully something will be done about it.”
Gurl I am pretty much sure nothing will be done about this issue…
BJP is trying to cover up the thing..n Congress wants more n more media coverage on the same…
Salman is enjoying n so is that Nanda chap …both accussed in a hit-n-run case…
I pity these politicans ….
well am going off the topic…
June 7th, 2006 at 5:45 pm
The last time I snorted coke was when I had a large sip and sneezed. =/
June 7th, 2006 at 7:05 pm
ha ha ha ‘Save Water, Bath Together’ reminds me of my engg college hostel days !!!
June 8th, 2006 at 10:58 am
wow…that was a superb political satire….luved reading it…and ur spin on “Rahul & Moitra” was even better….but then who is to be blamed…there are political dynasties everywhere….it is we the people of India who elect the sons and wifes and daughters and daughter in law and some time even mistress …jayalalitha..in the name of dead…..so they take it for granted that they have the power to abuse
June 8th, 2006 at 10:59 am
BTW even i wrote a political satire a couple of days ago
June 8th, 2006 at 12:13 pm
@ Van: Lol, took me a sec to get that there! But somehow I think the potency between Coca Cola & Cocaine differs slightly… (hope it was good for you anyway
)
@ Don Maths: !!!!! I don’t even want to ask… !!!!!!!
@ Sherriff: Thx. Don’t know who is to be blamed, maybe it’s the chicken & the egg syndrome? Perhaps if the people of India had better candidates to choose from, they would? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps… so many things. I don’t know where to start. I don’t think politics in any country is much better than India - there are still nasty evil things that go on all for selfish interests…
But at least in countries where the politicians are held responsible by the common man for the period of their public office, at least in those countries, SOME THINGS are done for the country and for the people, even if only as a show.
In India - I don’t care - make your money if you have to - but DO SOMETHING at least for the country, for the people. These SOBs just fill their pockets & are corrupt beyond belief. The lastest news in today’s papers show that Pramod Mahajan had ordered a murder of someone!
June 8th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
#1
Good write-up.
Sujatha: Melody, stinging commentary, right on the money.
When you have a minute, please update your e-mail address. Thanks!
#2
Aaman: Brilliant - you deserve satirical sainthood - and this post deserves to be highlighted and forwarded
#3
Deepti lamba: Damn creative, I liked another article on HT which talked about the Mahajans’ arounding themsleves with pimps, fixers and tentwallas. And I think it was heroin overdose not coke
#4
just one query, would you know if this was mailed to pope at hotmail or pope at gmail or theoneandonlypapa at holymail?
temporal: Melody
June 8th, 2006 at 12:51 pm
@ Sujatha: Thx! Email address is melody(at)glorify-god.com
@ Aaman: Satirical Sainthood
Am honored!
Incidentally, many others who’ve read too feel it should be sent to a newspaper & published. I leave it upto you Mr. Desicritic Editor if you want to highlight it here
@ Deepti Lamba: Won’t know for sure if it was heroin or cocaine. Apparently the latest news is that it was cocaine but Sahil only told the other 3 it was heroin so as “not to frighten them” (whatever the heck that means).
At any rate, the way the “facts” in this case keep changing from person to person & day to day, I doubt anyone will ever know the whole truth.
@ temporal: Think it was mailed (snail mailed) directly to the Vatican, but I will double check & verify
June 17th, 2006 at 9:59 pm
Hail saint Mahajan!!!
June 18th, 2006 at 10:50 pm
June 18th, 2006 at 11:50 pm
Hey Melody,
That was superb…… twas really well done!!!
Although I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets off lightly with just a fine….thats the way the system works out here…kinda disgusting if you ask me.
June 19th, 2006 at 12:07 am
June 26th, 2006 at 1:10 am
Heya, How you doin?
It has been a long time.I’ve been busy with work and haven’t been keeping in touch, sorry ’bout that. C ya around sometime soon
Bye
August 2nd, 2006 at 3:12 pm
Keep me out of it i have been framed up in all this…
August 3rd, 2006 at 9:34 am
And if this is - !!!! - what can I say to that? or to you? Take care of yourself. There’s a God above whom we have to answer before everyone else - and He knows everything. If you’re clean before Him, there’s nothing you need worry about.